It has been ten months. Ten months since that day, the day that I never imagined would be mine. I try to remember back and it all seems sometimes so foggy. You don’t respond or act like you would imagine you would act. You keep thinking this must not be real.
How can this be real? Please don’t let it be real!!
It was a summer trip, just like any other summer trip that we might have gone on. We were going to a family reunion, my husband’s family reunion. I didn’t really want to go, I was so busy with my business, I didn’t want to take time away from it. But I know he really wanted to go. We had a great time, we got to spend three days with all his brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. It was the hottest weather I had ever been in, so it made it really hard, but we swam, ate, talked and played games.
The reunion was over and it was time to start traveling back home. I was flying and he was driving back. I had to get home quickly and he loved road trips. The last night before we would be heading home, we spent together. When I think back it felt like we were young again and doing things that we would have done so long ago. When we get back to the hotel room, he hugged me and told me he just wanted to hold me.
Four o’clock in the morning we are standing at the Las Vegas Airport rental car facility saying goodbye. Me taking a flight home and him going back to the hotel room to sleep before heading out of town. I hugged him, kissed him and said ‘I love you and be careful driving.’ It would be the last time I held him, the last time I would hear his voice, the last time seeing his face. That day my world was changed forever.
After I boarded the plane, I text him – ‘I am on the plane.’ He replied – ‘Love you’. ‘I love you too, get some rest.’ – I said.
I get home, take a nap and start going about my day. After awhile I realize that I haven’t heard from him, so I text him. No reply… After awhile I call him. No answer… A little while later I call again. Still no answer… So I do what most woman start doing, I start to get worried. What if something has happened?? Then I think, no I am just being paranoid. I call again. Still no answer… Please just answer, I kept thinking. If something has happened how will I find him? I don’t really know which way he was driving. I call and call, still no answer. Now I am starting to panic. I decide to check our bank account to see if there are any transactions, so maybe I can determine where he might be. There are none, none since last night. He would have never left town without getting gas. What could be happening?? I call again, no answer.
My son tracks his phone and we discovered that his phone is still in Las Vegas. My son-in-law called the hotel, he never checked out and the maid service indicated that they were not able to clean the room because it was locked from the inside.
Now this day is as real as it can be, a day that you never thought would happen to you. The waiting seemed like forever, waiting for someone a 1000 miles away to break into the room and see what is the matter. Feeling so helpless. Now everything is going through my mind, is he sick, has he fallen, does he need help??
That call comes, it was so surreal. “Is this Mrs. McCarty?” “Yes”, I said. “Are you alone?” “No”, I said. “This is Las Vegas fire department and we are sorry to inform you but your husband has passed away…”
My life, my world, our life and all our plans were gone. Never to be the same again. We were to grow old together.
People will say it will get better, you will one day feel better, you will find a new normal. I don’t think I will ever feel normal again. The pain, the loneliness, the anger and the grief, it doesn’t go away. You just learn to live with it. I knew I needed to go on, I have kids and grandsons that need me. So I would get up and just breathe. Just keep moving, not moving on, but just moving forward.
I am starting to feel not so much in a fog, feeling like I could possible start again to have some kind of life again. Not the life that I planned, not the life that I had envisioned, not the life that I had picked for myself, but it is the life that God has given to me. His plan, not my plan. I am comforted in knowing that He is in control, when my life seems so out of control.
So I am trying to find what all this means for my shop and bringing it back to life. It has been a long time since I even cared about getting my shop going again. It has been a long time since you have heard from me. So I am starting here, at this place, sharing where I have been. Why it has been so quiet. I am glad I am back here at least sewing and creating, ready to start new products, ready to show you my new website.
Thank you for reading and hearing my thoughts. I hope you like the new look and I hope you are excited to see what new things will coming to my shop.